Mugger: “Gimme all your money!”
Lenihan: “Do you know who I am?”
Lenihan: “I’m Brian Lenihan – the Minister of Finance!”
Mugger: “Alright then, gimme all my money.”
An Irish lorry driver is transporting a half-dozen penguins to the Zoo in Dublin. In the middle of the Wicklow mountains, his lorry is bogged down in the snow. While he’s standing by the side of the road, Green Party TD – Paul Gogarty pulls over driving a Prius, and asks if he can help. The Lorry driver asks if he can take the penguins to the Zoo.
So, they squeeze the half dozen penguins into the back of his Prius, and Gogarty takes off. The next day, the Lorry driver makes it to Dublin. At the first traffic light, he catches sight of Gogarty standing at the junction – with the penguins in a row behind him – waiting on the light.
“What the hell are you doing?” the Lorry man asks. “You were supposed to take those penguins to the Zoo.”
“That was yesterday” says Gogarty. “Today I’m taking them to the movies.”
An Irish student protester complains bitterly about the beating he has just received from the Gardaí. The Guards burst out laughing: “Where do you think you are, Sweden?”
The protester goes to hospital, very angry, and complains to a Filipino Nurse about this disrespectful answer.
The Nurse bursts out laughing:
“Where do you think you are, Sweden?”
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome.
However, at Irish Hell there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, “What do they do to you here?”
“First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Irish devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
“But that’s just like the others!” says the man. “Why are so many people waiting to get in?”
“They couldn’t pay the ESB, so the electric chair doesn’t work;
The nails were paid for, but the bank called in a loan to the supplier – and they went bust before delivery;
Also: the Irish devil used to be a high-ranking civil servant – so he just signs in and goes home.”
Brian Cowen is driving the Cabinet home after drinking too much at a pub. A Garda pulls him over and asks, “Taoiseach, have you been drinking?”
Cowen decides to be brave and admit it: “Yes. I have.”
“Did you know,” the Garda says, “that at that last roundabout, Mary Coughlan fell out of the car?”
“Oh, thank God,” says Cowen, “I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Bertie Ahern is waiting in a Paddy Powers. He feels thirsty so he puts a coin in a vending machine – and gets a Coca-Cola.
He thinks for a second, gets excited and puts a second coin in, and gets a second Coca-Cola. He gets even more excited and puts a third coin in… and so on.
A fellow standing behind him waiting says, “You certainly like Coca-Cola.”
“Why stop playing when I’m winning!” says Bertie.
For a TV programme, Ryan Tubridy is taking a minibus of pensioners from isolated rural communities to visit Dublin for their first time in decades. He decides to give them a challenge: he brings them to the middle of the Financial Centre and asks them if they know where they are.
One old farmer looks around amazed, and asks: “Is this a school, or a college?”
A well-dressed elderly lady does the same, and asks “Is this the middle of a great museum?”
Finally, a melancholic old man looks up from the ground for the first time and says: “I can tell that this is an important centre of banking and international finance.”
Amazed, Tubridy asks: “How could you tell that? Do your family have an innate sense of your surroundings?”
The old man replies: “No. Someone emptied my wallet.”
Three rugby fans – a French Doctor, a German Banker, and an Irish truck driver – are all in Saudi Arabia. They are sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence there, so they are all sentenced to death.
However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the benevolent sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announced, “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The French doctor was first. He thought for a while, then said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.”
This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, the Doctor had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The German Banker was next up. After watching the Frenchman’s ordeal, he said smugly, “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could take only 15 lashes before the whip went through and the Banker was soon led away, whimpering loudly.
The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the sheikh turned to him and said, “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness,” he replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable and powerful man, you are also very brave,” the sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish”?
“Tie the Banker to my back.”
(With apologies to the Guardian)